12/21/24

I feel like sometimes overconsumption makes me a bit depressed. Like I pick up too many things and I just need to reset. I start too many shows, listen to too much music or read to much and it just all becomes a mess. I'm someone who's very introverted but I also need to talk to people to not feel depressed. Because I also have episodic depression. But I also have ADHD so my brain constantly wants to be scurrying around doing things and consuming things but I simply don't have the energy levels for that. It's really annoying. I feel better after I clean my room. Which sounds dumb and cliche and unhelpful but it's true. It makes me aware of how useless I was being. It's not productive. I don't feel rested. I just feel dull. Blunt. Like the way a knife feels if you put it through the dishwasher or something. Kind of murky. I don't know. I just need to sleep and go outside tomorrow probably but man. The holidays are overwhelming and I just don't have the energy. I hate being obsessive. 

12/1/24

Social media is so weird. Which is why I have this blog now but it's strange. Like do I really like this thing? Or is capitalism just force feeding it to me and now I'm used to it? Music is something that feels really special because it's always felt devoid of this aspect to our digital culture but more and more things like TikTok interfere with this. And at the same time it feels wrong to say that because music is popular you can't enjoy it. I have such a hard time digesting Chapell Roan's music because I know it's good, I like Chapell Roan and what she stands for but do I like it on a personal level? It's hard to say. It's catchy, I get her songs stuck in my head. But I never put them on. I just know them from hearing the audio in videos. 

But why should I care one way or the other? What if I would really like Chapell Roan and I'm cutting myself off from joy? I guess the fear of being influenced in any way without my control is very scary. Because none of us are truly original beings but we all strive to be. Our experiences and brain juices all accumulate in this being that is unique but so many experiences are shared. This fear is simply an aspect of life that needs to be accepted. But I guess the problem is humans like standing out whether we want to admit that or not. 

I don't like social media. But I still have it. Because I feel this need for validation. I hate the algorithm but I still participate in it. It's all very capitalist and in the US especially it's not something you can escape. There's this really good Shanspeare video about this topic and she says that social media is a tool for the larger being that is capitalism. That social media is a symptom of late stage capitalism. And I find this so true. But I can't break away from it because it has become so essential for our culture. And as someone who is very socially awkward I don't have a lot of ways to be validated in real life.

This is all an excuse though isn't it? Why am I here writing this if I don't want to be reliant on external validation but I hate that I am? I guess the answer would be at the end of the day to find balance. But it seems so hard to find that in something that is inherently addictive. How do you safely use a drug that's everywhere and everyone is using it to the point where you don't even realize it's in the air you breathe?

11/24/24

First blog post! I saw Wicked. It was so cool. It's awesome to see that someone so passionate about something got a chance to really go beyond the limits. Like geez the budget must have been insane. The casting was so good. Like it's so obviously Ariana Grande but she's so good whenever I see her I like forget Ariana Grande exists. The social commentary is also super cool. The Prince and Elphaba have no chemistry though. Ugh there's so much queer baiting with Glinda and Elphaba right now. I wish they would just make it happen instead. Doomed tragic lesbians. Come on Jon. It would be so much more interesting. Anyway I'm so interested what they're going to do with the second movie!! Also I hope they show the transformations of everyone more since they have more time. It's so forgetable in the musical. Also I like this movie more than the musical. And I feel like I'm commiting a crime saying that but it's true.